Waiting Without the Fuss
Children usually do not like to wait. Fortunately, waiting is a skill that you can teach your child.
Goal
Overview
The “marshmallow test” surfaced as a social media trend where parents gave their child a marshmallow. The test is simple: Leave your child with a marshmallow or another treat and tell them that if they can wait until you come back, they can have two marshmallows (or treats). These videos are based on a real experiment from the 1970s that studied waiting and impulsivity. Unfortunately, being told to wait is a common trigger for misbehavior like tantrums. Usually kids get better at waiting as they get older, but there are some strategies you can implement to help your child wait appropriately while reducing defiant behaviors.
Method
Start by setting up opportunities for your child to practice waiting. These should not be situations where your child actually needs to wait (we’ll get to that). Instead, by setting up practice times, their failure to wait will not matter. After your child is able to wait nicely during the practice opportunities, they will be able to wait when it does matter.
Set up the practice opportunity.
First, choose a few items that your child likes but are not their absolute favorite. You will be using these items to practice waiting. It is easier to learn to wait when your child doesn’t have to wait for their most favorite items or activities. Make sure your child is in a good mood (well-rested, fed) when you are practicing.
Teach your child what to say.
Put the items in front of your child. Once your child reaches for an item or tells you which one they want, tell them to “wait.” Teach them to acknowledge the instruction to wait.
Teach them a waiting response such as “okay” or giving a thumbs up. This is teaching your child to acknowledge your instruction and can reduce their knee-jerk reaction to grab the item or misbehave when asked to wait.
Child: I want to play with my iPad.
Parent: Give me a minute, honey. Say okay.
Child: Okay
Parent: I really like how you listened. Here’s your iPad.
As soon as they acknowledge the wait instruction without protesting or acting out, give specific praise and immediately give them the item they requested. This is referred to as a zero-second wait time—rewarding the absence of misbehavior when simply asked to wait.
Demonstrating how to teach what to say
This video shows the first time Mila’s mom practices waiting with her. She explains what they are doing, asks Mila to choose an item, tells her to wait, and tells Mila what to say. After Mila says, “okay,” her mom gives her the toy.
Teach your child to distract themselves.
Your child will find it easier to wait if they distract themselves from what they are waiting for. Give some ideas of things they can do while they wait. It’s okay to join in to help distract them at first, but try to teach them distraction activities that they can do on their own. Remember that you will not always be available, so sometimes it will be YOU that they need to wait for. It is better if the distraction activity does not require any materials.
Suggestions for Distraction Activities:
- Hum or sing a song
- Twiddle their fingers
- Count to 20
- Count how many blue items they see
- Looking for things that are circles
- Read a book
Use a visual cue.
Time is a difficult concept for children and their perception of time may be different from yours. Using a visual cue is a great way to clearly show how long they have to wait.
Visuals cues for waiting can be an actual timer, a countdown on your fingers, or a symbol that means wait.
Some rules for using visual cues:
Have the item available
Always have the item or activity your child is waiting for available as soon as the time is up.
Reset the cue for misbehavior
If your child fails to wait appropriately, reset the trial and the visual cue and start the time over.
Be consistent
Use the cue each time you ask your child to wait, and follow through with giving them what they waited for when the time is up.
Increase the wait time.
Whenever you are teaching a new skill, start with small, easy steps. This is also true for waiting.
Recall from Step 2 that you should start with a zero-second wait (reward the absence of misbehavior when simply asked to wait). Once your child can do this across three waiting opportunities, practice waiting for just five seconds. This looks the same as Step 2 except that your child will have to wait for five seconds. Don’t forget to use the visual cue, and immediately give them what they asked for after they wait for five seconds without any acting out.
From there, continue to increase the wait time after every three successful practice opportunities (successful = wait the entire time without misbehavior). The wait times can be customized to your child, but here is a recommended schedule:
Demonstrating how to practice waiting
In this video, Mila has already practiced several times. When her mom says to “wait,” she immediately says okay. Notice how Mila distracts herself while she waits.
Be careful not to overdo it.
Practice is important, but don’t ask your child to wait every opportunity you find. If your child is asked to wait constantly, they may stop asking you for things and find alternative ways to get what they want. About half of the time, when you lay out the choices, don’t tell your child to wait. Just let them have it when they ask.
Use the recommendations above in “real” situations.
Once your child can reliably wait for at least one minute in practice sessions, begin following the recommendations in “real” situations as they come up. Use tactics exactly as they were used in the practice sessions—tell them to wait, tell them to acknowledge that they have to wait, use a visual cue, and only give them the item if they appropriately wait the entire time without any misbehavior.
Challenges
My child starts acting out.
If your child acts out when you practice waiting, stay neutral and avoid yelling. You can say, “You can have the cookie when you wait nicely. You did not wait nicely this time so you can try to earn the cookie again once you are calm.” Refer to Managing Tantrums and Dealing with Big Emotions for more helpful tips to deal with acting out.
My child cannot be distracted during the wait.
Offer different or additional distraction activities your child can use while waiting. Practice distraction activities when your child is calm so they are easier to use when they might be distressed.
My child is not motivated to wait.
Give a clear first-then rule. For example, “First you need to wait for one minute, then you can play with the paint.” It may also help to give an additional reward for waiting appropriately.
Practice
Prepare
Pick 2-3 items to use to practice waiting. Decide how you want your child to acknowledge that they have to wait.
Apply
Present the items and teach your child what to say. Gradually increase the wait time.
Repeat
Practice at least once a day. Repeat as often as possible.
Next Steps
Continue to increase how long they need to wait
Continue to slowly increase how long you ask your child to wait as described in Step 5.
Practice in more natural situations
You can set up additional opportunities to wait in more natural situations. Here are some examples of how to do this:
- Waiting for pieces to complete an activity. For activities that require certain pieces (like puzzles, building blocks, or coloring), keep some pieces out of reach. Then when your child asks for a piece, ask them to wait.
- Waiting to take a turn. Play a game that requires you to take turns. Have your child practice waiting when it is not their turn.
- Waiting modeled through play. Point out whenever waiting happens during play time. For example, you can pretend to be superheroes and comment each time waiting paid off to catch the bad guy.
- Waiting for portion of a snack. Provide a portion of a snack and have the child wait a few seconds for each additional piece of the snack.
Practice in other situations and with other people
After your child can wait consistently at home, try practicing waiting in other locations or settings, such as when crossing the street or at the playground with peers. Show other caregivers how to practice waiting, and ask them to try it, too.
Teach your child to accept being told "no"
Of course, there are times when something your child wants is just not available. Refer to How to Teach Accepting “No” for tips on how to help your child tolerate being told “no.”