Picking Rewards that Work
Effective rewards are critical for effective parenting. Most importantly, they motivate your child.
Goal
Overview
Rewards are necessary for successful parenting. Children, like adults, often need extra motivation to do things they don’t want to do or to stop doing things they do want to do. A reward can be almost anything that your child likes or will be motivated to earn—including praise, attention, and recognition of a job well-done. Sometimes, what will be rewarding and motivating for your child is obvious. Other times, it can be tricky. This tutorial provides some guidelines for identifying effective rewards for your child.
Method
Ask.
Ask your child what kind of toys, activities, or treats they like or would like to earn as a reward. You might be surprised by what they say. Involve them in picking their rewards so they feel more invested in the program. You can say, “What do you want to earn?” or something similar.
Suggest.
Make some suggestions if your child is not able to come up with reward ideas of their own. Almost anything can be a reward. Refer to our reward list for ideas. You can also add other related things that make the toys they have more fun. For example, if your child says they like toy cars, then you might suggest pieces to a car track.
Ask and suggest rewards
Harry’s dad wants to come up with a reward for Harry. He first asks Harry for some ideas. Notice what happens when Harry is not sure, and his dad suggests some options.
Reward List
Watch.
Take time to watch your child while they are playing. Make a list of the toys or activities they spend the most time doing. If your child loves food, then take note of which treats they ask for most often at the grocery store.
Watch for possible rewards
Harry is at a friend’s house playing with a new toy. See how his dad notices how excited Harry is and adds it to his list of reward ideas.
Make a list.
Write down as many items you can think of. Always be ready to add to the list. You can use a notes or reminders app in your phone so you always have the list handy. Be sure to use all the things that you learned by asking, suggesting, and watching.
Create a menu.
Now that you have a list, put the items together like a menu of reward options for your child. You can write out the options or print pictures. Being able to see what they can earn can be really helpful.
Some items will be used for bigger tasks that are harder to deliver.
Those should “cost” more and be reserved for behaviors that are harder or require more effort (e.g., cleaning up toys, waiting a long time at the doctor’s office).
Other items will be used for smaller tasks that are easier to deliver.
These can be used for spontaneous rewards for easy behaviors that are often forgotten, such as catching them being good, closing the door, or turning off the lights. It is not necessary for the rewards to be expensive or exotic.
After you do a full assessment of what your child likes, you will find that many items cost little or nothing at all (e.g., 15 minutes of extra screen time; 10 minutes of special time with mom; getting to pick dinner).
Challenges
My child can get the rewards somewhere else.
Limit rewards to those that you can control. If your child is able to earn their favorite candy for behaving well at school, then using candy as a reward at home is less likely to work.
My child wants more reward time.
This is a good thing! It means you have chosen a good reward, and your child is motivated. Tell them you are happy to supply more reward time in exchange for additional work or good behavior. Make a plan with your child on what is required to earn more rewards.
My child doesn't seem to care about the rewards.
Make sure that the rewards you are offering are not available anywhere else. Also, match the amount or quality of the reward to the behavior. Offer a choice between different rewards. Finally, go through the ask, suggest, and watch sequence frequently to identify new rewards.
My child wants me to enjoy rewards with them.
Be involved in various activities (not all) on the reward list. For example, you could have playing a game alone as a reward and playing a game with mom as a reward. Playing alone is a smaller reward, and thus more easily earned. Playing a game with mom is a bigger reward and requires more effort to earn.
My child's interests have changed.
Your child’s interests are definitely going to change over time, so it is important that you continually revise your reward list to reflect the changes in their interests.
My child has few interests.
Children are always interested in something. Be an observer—focus on watching what they do during free time. If your child has specific, limited interests, use that as a theme for rewards. For example, if your child likes trains, they could earn train toys (a train track, train cars, train accessories), a trip to the library to get a train book, time watching train videos on YouTube, a trip to a local train yard, a train whistle, or a train engineer costume.
Practice
Prepare
Talk to your child about their favorite things (ask and suggest). Watch what items or activities they seem to enjoy most.
Apply
Create a reward list based on what you ask, suggest, and watch.
Repeat
Update the reward list as new ideas come up. Consider asking and suggesting new rewards about once a month (or more or less, depending on how frequently your child's interests change).
Next Steps
Create a reward menu.
A reward menu is something that you can show your child. It lists the potential rewards they can earn. The rewards can be written out or include pictures of rewards. When it is time to earn a reward, you can show the menu and say, “What would you like to earn today?” Your child can point to or say one of the rewards on the menu.
Use the reward in a first-then statement.
When using a reward, give a clear first-then statement. A first-then statement tells the child what they need to do (first) to earn the reward (then).
Create a point system.
In a point system, points are money that can buy different rewards. The more points they have, the more rewards they can earn. Points can be earned by doing various tasks. Harder, more time-consuming tasks or tasks that require more effort should get more points. A point system is very flexible and you can customize how many points different work earns and how many points different rewards cost. The benefits to a point system are that you can reduce how frequently you give out rewards, your child can work towards earning bigger rewards, and your child is less likely to get sick of any one reward because there are several options.