Managing Tantrums
Tantrums are common, especially in young children. But even older kids have tantrums; they may just look a little different. Stopping and preventing tantrums requires knowing what causes them.
Goal
Overview
Tantrums usually include crying, yelling, and flopping to the floor. They could also include disruptive behavior like kicking the ground and aggressive behavior like hitting. What the tantrum or misbehavior looks like is not nearly as important as what causes it. Tantrums are almost always a response to unwanted circumstances—when children want what they don’t have (e.g., a toy) or are being asked to do something that they don’t want to do (e.g., go to bed earlier). Tantrums will continue as long as they “work” and they achieve the child’s desired outcome. The goal of this program is to teach your child that tantrums are unacceptable and do not work, and to help them learn acceptable methods that do.
Method
Catch them being good.
As frequently as possible, you should give positive attention to your child when they are not misbehaving. When your child is in a situation that you know usually triggers a tantrum, catch their very subtle signs of attempted self-control. Let them know when you see these signs and praise them for their efforts.
Enthusiastically praise them whenever they do a good job handling frustration, irritation, or a well-known cause for anger. Label their self-restraint behavior—for example, call it “self-control.” Try using phrases like:
“Honey, you are doing a really nice job with your self-control. I’m so proud of you.”
Praise their restraint before the frustration crosses the line into tantrum or other problem behavior (like aggression).
Dealing with Big Emotions includes tips to teach your child how to handle frustration and anger.
Respond to the tantrum with little to no emotion.
This will be difficult because emotions are infectious, and anger is a very infectious emotion. It may help to always remember that when a child throws a tantrum, they are not being a brat, they are trying to solve a problem.
Your role is to teach them better methods for handling hard emotions. Negative emotions, like anger, interfere with effective teaching. So model being calm in response to a frustrating situation—you want your child to do as you say, but also how you do.
Modeling staying calm
Watch as Cadence throws a tantrum after being told to turn off the TV. Cadence’s mom calmly follows through by turning off the TV. Notice how Cadence’s mom appears frustrated, but models being calm by taking a deep breath.
Understand how tantrums "work" for your child.
Very simply, tantrums work when a child gets what they want. What they want may be something simple and easily delivered, such as your attention, or may be complex and difficult to deliver, such as staying home from school when they are not sick.
No matter the reason, your job is to make sure that the tantrum does NOT allow them to get what they want.
If a tantrum or other misbehavior is out-of-character for your child or for a particular situation, consider whether there is a medical reason for the behavior. Children tend to act out more when they are sick, tired, or in pain. This does not mean that you should give in to the tantrum (you shouldn’t) but you may want to minimize triggers (don’t place excessive demands on them) while they are unwell.
Do not forget to reward appropriate behavior as often as possible. If your child tantrums to get your attention, tantrums should not work to get you to pay attention to them. However, you should make yourself available for attention when they are acting appropriately (i.e. when they ask you to play a game with them, when they are sitting quietly playing).
Do not allow the tantrum to "work."
After you understand how the tantrum might be “working” for your child, do not allow it to produce the desired result anymore.
Try these sample methods for ensuring that tantrums do not work:
Ignore the behavior.
This can be tricky, especially if the tantrum is a method for getting your attention. Do not comment or react in any way. Avoid facial expressions, muttering under your breath, and any sign of frustration or irritation. Try a self-calming strategy if you find yourself getting frustrated.
Follow through on instructions.
If you told your child to do something and they throw a tantrum in response, stick to your guns and follow through. Make it clear that their entire world has come to a stop and will remain that way until the instruction is followed.
Stay firm when you say NO.
You will occasionally have to use the word “no” in response to certain requests and behaviors. For example, your child may ask to watch one more TV show before bed. To ensure that the word is effective every time, you need to be firm and stand by it even in the presence of hurricane-level tantrums. The key to a powerful “no” is a matter of fact, neutral, calm, or unimpressed response to their tantrum.
Find a way to distract yourself from the tantrum.
Try listening to music, cleaning the house, reading a magazine. This serves two purposes: it is much easier to ignore your child’s tantrum when you are busy doing something else, and doing something else shows your child that you are not attending to them and are much less likely to respond to their tantrum.
Distracting yourself during a tantrum
In this video, Cadence throws a tantrum when her mom turns off the TV. Notice how her mom follows through with turning off the TV and then finds a way to distract herself while she ignores the tantrum.
Challenges
I get really frustrated or angry when my child tantrums.
Avoid yelling or exhibiting any clear sign you are angry. Remember that tantrums are contagious so do not add fuel to the fire.
I want to explain to my child why their behavior is wrong.
If lecturing worked, our program would not be necessary. Children do not learn how to behave from listening to lectures. They learn by doing and experiencing what happens after they behave a certain way.
My child tries to negotiate.
Avoid negotiating. Negotiating can establish cooperative relations with your child. It should only be used when your child is calm and you are in a situation that, in advance, you determine is negotiable. It should never be done during the tantrum event.
Practice
You will practice managing tantrums differently from how you would practice other techniques on this website. For tantrums, you will not have any proactive practice (other than practicing catching them being good). Instead, you are using natural opportunities to practice. Whenever your child tantrums, take a deep breath and follow the tips in this tutorial.
Prepare
There is nothing you need to prepare. Just be ready to ignore the tantrum and follow through!
Apply
When a tantrum occurs, follow the tips in this tutorial. Stay neutral, avoid giving attention, and follow through.
Repeat
Practice as often as tantrums happen.
As you learn to stop reacting to tantrums and stop letting them “work,” tantrums will stop losing their power. Your child will learn better ways to communicate, and you’ll find less of a need to manage tantrums. However, keep with the plan!
Next Steps
Apply these tips to other problem behavior.
These strategies can also be helpful for other types of problem behaviors, from aggression to property destruction to cursing. Just make sure that whenever you apply the strategies in this tutorial to a “problem behavior,” you are also providing plenty of opportunities to catch good behavior.