How to Set up a First-Then Reward System
Rewards can help motivate your child to do more of the things you want to see and less of the things you don’t. However, it is important to set up the reward system correctly. A first-then system is a very simple way to use rewards that can be applied to almost any situation.
Goal
Overview
From time to time, kids need a little extra motivation to do the things they are supposed to do. Even adults need to be motivated to do things they don’t particularly like doing. Motivators can include praise, recognition for a job well-done, financial incentives, a special treat or just feeling good.
Various tools and strategies in our program recommend using rewards, from helping your child learn new skills to teaching your child how to deal with big emotions. Rewards can help motivate your child to do more of the things you want to see and less of the things you don’t. However, it is important to set up the reward system correctly. This program focuses on a very simple way to use rewards that can be applied to almost any situation. True to its name, first your child does something, then they get the reward.
Method
Pick a behavior you want to reward.
First identify which specific actions (or set of actions) you want to reward. You should be able to clearly describe what the action looks like so that your child knows exactly what is expected. Rather than telling your child to “clean your room” (What does clean mean? How clean is clean enough?), you could say, “Put your dirty clothes in the hamper; Put your blanket on your bed; Sweep the floor.”
Here are some tips to help pick what you are going to reward:
It is usually better to describe what you want them to DO than what you DON’T want them to do. For example, instead of telling your child to not have a temper tantrum when you turn the TV off, you could say, “I am going to turn off the TV, then I want you to take five deep breaths and then start your homework.”
It is best to actually witness the behavior, but if that is not possible, you can obtain other proof that it was done. For example, if you told your child to put all the blocks away, you would know the behavior happened when you see the blocks in their bin, even if you didn’t actually watch your child put them there.
When you tell your child what they need to do to earn a reward, make sure that you are following these guidelines on how to give effective instructions.
Pick a reward.
Most kids can tell you what things they like. Usually, these items would be good rewards. If you need some ideas, refer to our list of reward ideas. If you have a few ideas but are not sure which one you should use, ask your child to pick some from your list.
Almost anything can be a reward, but there are a few rules:
Rewards should not be basic needs.
Things like food, clothing, and affection should not be used as rewards. Every child has a right to these things and should not have to earn them.
Special treats are an exception.
Anything above and beyond what they would normally get is okay. Earning dessert or being able to play a certain game with you is fine. Earning dinner or your affection is not.
Be willing to restrict the reward.
Rewards will be more powerful and effective if your child does not have free access to them. You must be willing to restrict the reward outside of earning time.
Make sure you have the reward.
Give the reward as soon as possible after the desired behavior. The longer you wait, the less likely your child will connect the reward with the behavior. So choose rewards that you have available.
The reward should match the behavior.
The size or quality of the reward should be matched to the behavior. Behaviors that are really hard for your child, or require more time or effort, should be compensated with bigger or better rewards.
Options, options, options!
Give your child options to choose from to prevent your child from getting tired of the rewards. Plus, just having the control to make a choice is a reward for many kids.
Put it together.
Now that you have a behavior or action and the corresponding reward, let your child know how they can earn the reward by using a “first-then” statement. It looks like this: “First put the markers away, then we can play Uno.”
Using a first-then reward system
Adrianna’s mom asks her to first put her clothes away, and then she can invite a friend over. Notice how her mom immediately praised Adrianna for listening and offered the reward.
Here are a few rules for using a first-then reward system:
Be proactive.
Tell your child the first-then rule from the beginning, NOT after your child is being defiant or misbehaving. If you offer a first-then after your child acts out, they learn that if they misbehave, you will offer them a reward for turning it around. You want your child to learn that they will get a reward for doing the right thing from the start!
Follow through on your promise.
If you told your child that feeding the dog will result in playing Uno, make sure that you actually play Uno with them after they do feed the dog! Your child needs to trust that your offer of a reward is real. If you do not follow through on giving the reward, your child will lose the motivation to listen.
If your child didn’t earn it, don’t give it.
Your child needs to know that you mean it when you say that they need to do their homework before getting to watch TV. So if your child does not do their homework, they should not get to watch TV.
Follow through on essential instructions.
If the behavior was something essential, follow through on your instruction or do it for your child (e.g., putting their shoes on). If it wasn’t essential, you can just walk away. However, the reward only comes for following the instruction.
Do not give the reward if they don't do it
Adrianna is told to first put away her clothes, then she can invite a friend over. Watch what happens when she refuses to follow her mom’s instruction.
Challenges
My child doesn’t care about the reward.
If you find that your child does not seem to care as much about the reward, then you could use a different reward, give a choice of rewards, or first ask your child, “What do you want to earn today?” Check out these suggestions for selecting rewards.
My child starts acting out.
If your child starts to act out (cry, throw a tantrum, call you names, etc.), the reward should no longer be available. You can say, “Okay, no [insert reward],” and move on. Avoid yelling or getting angry. If your child needs to finish the task, you can gently guide them to complete it. For helpful tips to deal with acting out, refer to Dealing with Big Emotions and Managing Tantrums.
Practice
Prepare
Create a reward list for your child to choose from. Make sure you have the rewards available.
Apply
Tell your child the first-then statement, and follow through. Give the reward if they earned it.
Repeat
Practice at least once a day or whenever it naturally comes up.
The more times you practice, the more times your child will make the connection between the behavior and the reward. In the beginning, it is best to use the first-then statements every time you want your child to do the behavior (but see Next Steps to make this more practical).
Next Steps
Extend to other or new behavior.
After your child responds well to the first-then program with one specific task, skill, or situation (they are doing what you ask most of the time), you can extend the first-then strategy to other behaviors.
Don't use the first-then strategy every time to reduce reward frequency.
It is not realistic to earn a reward every time your child does something. Every so often, do not give the first-then rule, but still ask your child to do the task. Try this for one out of five times. If your child listens, do not offer any reward, but make sure to give lots of praise and encouragement for listening such as, “Wow! You are such a good listener! Thank you for hanging your coat up.” Then, gradually add in more times where you don’t use a first-then reward. Ultimately, your child might be offered a reward every fifth time they follow your instruction (instead of every time).
Set up a point system to reduce reward frequency.
Points represent progress toward the reward. You could also use stickers, tokens, or other types of symbols. In a point system, tell your child how many points they need to earn something. Set up a menu that lists the rewards your child can earn and how many points are needed. A dance party might be worth 5 points and a trip to get ice cream might be worth 25 points. Then, when you use first-then, you can say, “First do X, and then you will get Y points.”